Need to count sheep now

Okay, I think I must be losing it. After a very busy final few weeks of work, my job has finally ended. In addition to packing up my classroom, I completed report cards, CIM and CUM files, finished the-end-of-year slideshow, volunteered for the closing gala and country fair carnival, and took care of a ton of graduation and final field trip activities for my graduating 6th graders. That final day of seeing my baby birds leave the nest for middle school was emotional enough. Oh, and did I mention I did all of this while nursing a cold? I may be a lot of things, but a slacker is not one of them. Though I guess could change a little now that summer is upon us. Why do I mention all of this? Well, read on...

The hardest part of all of this during the last couple of weeks hasn't been so much the workload, but the lack of sleep. I get a case of insomnia almost every night. I slept like a rock last night since I took some medication for this cold. Tonight I forgot to and here I am blogging at 5am. I am stressing over whether or not I should return some items that I purchased yesterday. It seems to be a clear cut case of shopper's remorse. I need the items, but I don't. It's that simple. Also, I rememembered that a certain student of mine needed something mailed out with his report card, so I emailed the school secretary about it since I am officially no longer employed there. My one year temporary status as a teacher is now on hiatus until I find another job. I went out to lunch with a coworker/friend and we commiserated on the past year. We agreed to keep in touch.

This is all why I think I'm losing it. I feel as though I am absorbing too much stress and it is taking a toll on my dreams. I dream about the oddest things. In one, I was wandering aimlessly through the halls of a nearby high school as I searched in vain for a restroom to use. Never did find it. Another time, I dreamed about watching circular chicken-like hamburgers on a conveyer belt like an old sushi bar I once ate at. Make any sense? Didn't to me at the time either. I guess that's what the mind and our subconscious are good at. If there are hidden meanings or more layers to these thoughts and dreams, I haven't figured them out yet.

My guess is that I just haven't fully decompressed from the whole experience. To those of you who know me well, know that this job was tough from the getgo for a variety of reasons that I will not bore you with now. Suffice it say though that I won't miss everyone or everything about the school. The cloud of negativity will hopefully follow certain people and free us all of their gloominess. However, I did make some really nice friendships and connections with some amazing staff and children though and that is what I will miss and treasure. The school will be torn down and that is bittersweet. It's an old, rundown building that holds a lot of memories for a lot of people. The new school can start fresh and has brand new everything. It will be interesting to see how the next school year unfolds as the new school gets its legs and starts to grow.

In the meantime, I am hopeful that the upcoming trip with my best friend to Cozumel will rejuvenate me in every way so that I can be at 100% once more. I want to let the stress and petty things roll off of my back more and a dose of my Shelley is always a surefire cure of any blues I might have. Somehow, I will find a way to sleep. I just hope my body clock stops waking me up at dawn. Seriously, I wake up almost every morning between 4 and 5am. I am super happy though that my own kids and I will get to spend a lot more time together now. A fellow teacher reminded me of something yesterday that really gave me pause to think. She said that even though I learned to teach 6th grade pretty well in the end, she asked at what cost to my own family? She said that I had given so much of myself to my students that I wasn't able to devote some of that energy to my little ones. It really hit me that she was so right.

My students are definitely in the "have not" category, so I think tried to go above and beyond for them whenever possible. While that's good that I cared deeply for my students and made some positive connections with them, I also believe now that I am meant to move onto something less consuming. I often felt like their mom and nurtured them as such. Teaching is challenging and rewarding, but I don't want to let it take over my life. I need to remember that my kids need their mother as well. N and K have a summer full of fun activities ahead of them and we'll be making many more memories in the coming months. I did get to bring my daughter with me to work one day and she got to see what mommy does all day. They also came after school on occasion, so they at least there on some level. Anyhow, I need to stop rambling and get back to sleep. Can't wait for summer to seep into my soul and I can get on with the business of living life and all that good stuff.