Swirling in a whirlpool

Today was one of those days when I should have just ignored the alarm clock and gone back to sleep. Let me backtrack just a little bit first. For those that don't know, I am in the fifth and final term of a masters program. There are just not enough hours in the day to get everything done, so I have to follow a very strict schedule to keep my head above water or risk sinking.

I swear that my head hit the pillow and suddenly my husband was telling me it was to wake up. I s00000 didn't want to get out of bed. It felt so warm and cozy. They had expected school closures due to snow, but no such luck. While it snowed later in the day, none reallly stuck to the ground. So much for sleeping in, eh? It was wishful thinking on my part I guess. Anyway, I dragged myself outta bed and struggled to find something to wear. Then I spent several minutes trying to print out my paper, but to no avail. Something wasn't connecting right, so I gave up. Then I literally forgot to eat breakfast. Anyone who knows me can tell you that is not something I do. Breakfast is the one meal I never skip. Luckily, I had remembered to pack a lunch, so I grabbed a cheese stick to tide me over. When I got to school (late), I went to the staff lunchroom and found someone had put out hot cocoa for everyone. Now that is God watching over us. It was just what I needed to get myself going.

So I made it through the day and rushed home to print try and print out that paper. Luckily, it worked this time. I grabbed a bowl of cereal for a quick dinner and was out the door to get to my first class of the term. Before class, I spoke with someone in the office about my finanical aid and got some unsettling news. The amount of my load disbursement was considerably less than I had been originally told it would be. As you can probably guess, I became a bit stressed about how that will affect our budget for the next four to five months. Class went by pretty fast. We went over the syllabus and I learned that I will have even more things to add to my to do list before I can graduate. I was did meet with my prof and got some great feedback about some things.

Now I am home and feel like I am coasting in on fumes. I feel like I am letting the pressure get to me. I do better some days and not so much on others. Today wasn't a fun day, but I know I will find a way to balance everything in time. As someone was never really raised with much religion, I cannot claim to know the Bible very well. Even though my faith may be in the fledgeling stages, I feel that it is strong enough to know that God never gives us more than we can handle. I want to believe that I can do all of this, but right now I feel stretched to the limit. Tonight I wanted to cry and just walk away from school. However, I realized that I must see this through and will be so grateful when all is said and done. Thank God that my husband has been so understanding of the sheer volume of time that I need to devote to my homework and time away from the family. I know that this has been hard on him and the kids as well. My son is really struggling to understand why I have to be gone all the time or working on stuff. Breaks my heart a little more each day.

I think the best analogy to sum up this whole thing that I am going through is to think of Mickey Mouse. If you have ever seen the movie, Fantasia, you might remember the scene where Mickey plays a sorcerer's apprentice. He secretly tries on the wizard's hat and makes the brooms do all the clean up work. Next, the broom splits into several and dump bucket after bucket of water. Soon things get out of hand and suddenly Mickey is swirling in a whirlpool. Mickey is nearly drowning, until the wizard restores order amidst the chaos. I feel exactly like Mickey.

What I get to feeling like this, I need to remind myself of is how lucky I am. I have a loving family, wonderful and supportive friends, a place to call home, and a fulfilling career path. These are only riches one ever really needs in this life. Maybe I should just quit my bitching and take what comes because it is what it is. However, that's why I write so often these days on this blog. It's a good place to vent.